I originally wrote this in the fall of 2016.

And I wouldn’t change a word.

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Last week, I had a check-up with my ob-gyn.  Now that I’ve discussed pregnancy at length with my endocrinologist, it was his turn.  Doing my best to keep a lid on my excitement and appear somewhat normal about this emotionally charged subject, I told him my plans to get pregnant. 

I was not surprised by his response. 

I’ve heard it before, read about it, and chewed on it with each passing year.  Still, his words were no easier to digest just by being prepared to hear them.  “Your fertility at 39 is not what it was at 29.  It’s not what it was at 19, even.” 

The excitement I had going into this appointment was dampened by this unfortunate reality.  This is a truth I can’t ignore, can’t wish away.  I must acknowledge what I’m working with:  I’m a 39-year-old cancer survivor trying to get pregnant for the first time.  At 39. 

It is what it is.  Wishing things were different won’t help me now. 

The choice before me is this: to let the process of trying for a baby be overshadowed by fear or undergirded by faith.  I choose faith.  Even if I never get pregnant, I would rather try with hope in my heart and deal with disappointment than go through this process holding my breath, riddled with doubt, constantly waiting for bad news. 

Yes, I acknowledge the difficulties ahead; I’m well aware of the statistics.  But I choose not to spend emotional and mental energy on “what if.”  I choose faith. 

And that same faith will be waiting for me at the end of this road ready to carry me if this process doesn’t turn out the way I want it to.

I acknowledge my age, and I also acknowledge the greater truth that God’s purposes will stand.  God is greater than a number, than my health, than any circumstance I face.  The purposes and plans He has for me are a certainty nothing can hinder. 

So, I’m not going to fear infertility.  When I get pregnant, I’m not going to fear miscarriage.  I’m not going to fear complications.  I choose right now that fear will not have any part in this process.  Come what may, I choose faith. 

It’s never let me down before.  

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That was five years ago.  And just like I said, faith was waiting for me at the end of the road, a road that did not lead to a baby. 

I did get pregnant – once – but the pregnancy didn’t last long enough for fear to have a chance to creep in.  I was having a D & C just a few short weeks of getting a positive pregnancy test.  And I wasn’t able to get pregnant again.

I’m infertile yet full of faith.  I have faith that what needed to happen in my life has happened, that circumstances are what they need to be, even if unexpected.  I have faith that if I was supposed to be a mom, I would be and that, for me, being a stepmom is enough.

Faith doesn’t mean you always get what you’re hoping for.  It doesn’t mean that every prayer is answered. 

What faith means is a calm, confident assurance that you will be okay – regardless of how life plays out.  It’s not an abstract theory, it’s not an emotion that can come and go, it’s not a crutch just to help you process life’s difficulties. 

Because the whole point of having faith is the object of our faith – God.  We have faith in Him because He has proven Himself faithful in our lives and in the pages of Scripture.  We trust Him because He is trustworthy.  And because He never changes, the basis of our faith will never change.  Our faith can grow stronger and stronger with each passing year, with each crisis we face. 

A crisis in life doesn’t have to lead to a crisis of faith.  When our faith is based on who God has revealed Himself to be – and not on us getting everything we want, having every prayer answered just the way we want it to – then our faith will be unshakable.  And it will sustain us in all the times when things don’t go the way we want them to.     

I know trying to get pregnant month after month, the indescribable pain of miscarriage, the startling reality of infertility are not easy to overcome.  It can be hard to wrap your brain around it – and hard for your heart to move on – when your situation is the exact opposite of what you wanted. 

But I’m here to tell you from my own experience that healing is possible.  And though it may not be easy, there is a way forward.  And it all starts with faith – in a faithful, loving God.